Billy Bunter as told by A. I.

I thought I’d have a go at this newfangled ‘Artificial Intelligence.’ Among other things if you give it some instructions it’ll write a story for you. Well, who could resist that?

I opened ‘Bing’ (other platforms are available) on my laptop and instructed, ‘write a story about Billy Bunter, include Mr Quelch, a study and a cane.’

This is what it came up with. I have to say, it did do the ‘Yaroooh! Ow! Ow! Ow!’ bit rather well.

The drawing is from The Magnet, the comic that made Billy Bunter famous.

Billy Bunter was in trouble. He had been caught red-handed by Mr Quelch, the form master of the Remove, stealing a cake from the tuck shop. Mr Quelch was furious and dragged Bunter to his study, where he intended to administer a severe caning.

Bunter pleaded and protested, but it was no use. Mr Quelch locked the door and ordered Bunter to bend over his desk. He took out his cane and prepared to strike.

“Please, sir, don’t cane me!” Bunter wailed. “I’m sorry, sir, I’m very sorry! I was hungry, sir, starving! I haven’t had anything to eat since breakfast, sir!”

“That’s a lie, Bunter,” Mr Quelch said coldly. “You had a large lunch in the dining hall, not to mention several buns and chocolates that you snatched from your fellow students. You are a greedy, gluttonous boy, Bunter, and you deserve to be punished.”

He raised his cane and brought it down with a loud swish.

“Yaroooh!” Bunter yelled. “Ow! Ow! Ow!”

Mr Quelch gave him another stroke.

“Oooh! Ouch! Ouch!”

And another.

“Ow! Ow! Ow!”

And another.

“Yow! Yow! Yow!”

Bunter howled and writhed, but Mr Quelch showed no mercy. He gave him six of the best, leaving Bunter’s bottom sore and striped.

“There,” Mr Quelch said, putting away his cane. “That will teach you a lesson, Bunter. Now get up and go back to your study. And don’t let me catch you stealing again, or you will get twice as much.”

Bunter got up slowly and limped out of the study. He was in agony and tears were streaming down his face. He cursed Mr Quelch under his breath and wished he could get even with him somehow.

He reached his study and opened the door. He was greeted by a sight that made him gasp.

His study-mates, Harry Wharton, Bob Cherry, Frank Nugent, Johnny Bull and Hurree Singh, were waiting for him. They had heard about his theft and his caning from other boys who had witnessed the scene. They were not pleased with Bunter’s behaviour.

They had prepared a surprise for him.

They had taken all of his belongings and piled them up in the middle of the study. They had also gathered some old newspapers, matches and a bucket of water.

As soon as Bunter entered the study, they sprang into action.

They set fire to the pile of Bunter’s things and threw the bucket of water over him.

“Here’s a bonfire for you, Bunter!” Wharton shouted.

“And here’s a shower!” Cherry added.

Bunter was stunned and soaked. He watched in horror as his clothes, books, comics and sweets went up in flames.

He screamed and ran out of the study.

The other boys laughed and cheered.

They had given Bunter a taste of his own medicine.

  

For more Billy Bunter, click here

 

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