‘If pupils misbehave, give the parents a sound beating’

If parents cannot bring up a small number of children to comport themselves appropriately, how is a teacher supposed to cope with a classroom full of the little devils? Tom Shields writes in the Herald (Scotland) in 2011.

Tom Shields on … raising cane

A SURVEY shows half of parents are in favour of corporal punishment in schools. Presumably the bottom half. No, seriously, 49% said they would like to see the cane and/or the slipper used in pursuit of discipline. In Scotland, it would be the belt.

I am all for this. It is entirely reasonable and logical that, if pupils persistently misbehave at school, dad and mum should be brought before the headmaster for a sound beating.

If parents cannot bring up a small number of children to comport themselves appropriately, how is a teacher supposed to cope with a classroom full of the little devils? It will be a lesson for feckless fathers and mothers as to where the buck stops.

Today’s parents will not have encountered corporal punishment during their own school days. They will have to read up on the subject. Billy Bunter books provide useful information. Shout “Yarooh!” at the moment of contact. Teachers inexperienced in administering the cane should check dad has not hidden the Billy Bunter book down the seat of his pants.

A bit of internet research on spanking indicates that some parents may be entirely amenable to a spot of caning and slippering. While this kind of behaviour is not to be encouraged, it might come in handy for school fund-raising.

I have reread the report and, indeed, this is the case. Which is barbaric and must be opposed.

We should not have to use physical force. Pupils should be reduced to a docile state before they get to school.

This is possible with early application of the condition reflex techniques which Pavlov used to train his dogs. One gentle tinkle of a bell will have the class sitting quietly with arms folded. Although dafter pupils might think it is a cue to go and fetch a stick.

Pavlov’s methods included mild electric treatment so the training may have to be done in state-registered psychiatric nurseries.

With advanced technology there may soon be a microchip to control new generations of Stepford weans. Drastic, I know, but better than going back to the cane.

As published in The Herald (Glasgow, Scotland), 19 September 2011.

Picture credit: Sting Pictures

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