A schoolboy trick: How to fortify against a caning
We now come to the subject of lickings.
These are divided roughly speaking into two sections – “handers” and “benders.”
In the case of the former you hold out your hand: in the case of the latter you
touch your toes. – The Painless Punishment Society explained
by Harold Skinner, a pupil in the Remove class at
Greyfriars School. It appeared in the Greyfriars Herald, the school
newspaper published in The Gem on 26 March 1921 (available
to download free-of-charge here.)
Punishment
Made Easy – A chatty little article, showing the reader how to fortify himself
against lines and lickings
By
HAROLD SKINNER
All forms of punishment ought to be abolished.
I realised this long ago, and I went and told the Head
my opinion. He promptly told me to hold out my hand, and I thought he was going
to reward me for my brilliant suggestion . I got the reward all right – but it
took the form of six stinging cuts!
In those days I knew very little about punishment,
except that it hurt. But wisdom comes with advancing years, and today I am the
President of the Painless Punishment Society, which instructs its pupils how to
endure all forms of punishment without flicking an eyelash.
The most common form of punishment is the “impot.”
When I first came into the Remove, I was snowed up with the beastly things, and
I never had a minute to myself. One very half-holiday you’d find me in the
detention-room, scribbling lines as if for a wager.
After a time I got fed up with this eternal slavery,
and I invented a wonderful method whereby even the stiffest impot could be
tackled in less than half an hour. I bought a duplicating outfit, and by this
means I was able to roll off lines by the score. I’ve used the apparatus
regularly ever since, and if I’m given a hundred lines by Quelchy, I can get
’em done before you can say, “What a brainy fellow Skinner is!”
The next time you get an impot, get the Painless
Punishment Society to do your lines for you. Terms: a bob a hundred. Think how
nice it is to go and play footer, and find your impot completed when you come
in!
We now come to the subject of lickings. These are
divided roughly speaking into two sections – “handers” and “benders.” In the
case of the former you hold out your hand: in the case of the latter you touch
your toes.
The P. P. S. will supply any customer with a bottle of
resinous substance for fourpence. Rub this thoroughly into the palms of your
hands – the resinous substance, not the fourpence! – and you’ll find the
licking is perfectly painless. In fact, you’ll be able to grin at the master
who happens to be lamming you.
The other form of licking, “benders,” requires different preparation. The P. P. S. will teach you how to barricade your “bags” wisely and effectively. Don’t do what Billy Bunter did on one occasion. The silly ass fortified himself with a frying-pan, and when the cane came down it made a metallic clink. Of course, Quelchy smelt a rat at once. The clumsy barricade was removed, and Bunter got a double dose!
I’m not going to let
you into the secret regarding the nature of the barricade which I
invented, in case this article should be read by any of the beaks. But any
fellow who wishes to test it for himself should apply to the President of the
P. P. S. All cheques are to be made payable to Harold Skinner, Esq., and
crossed “Painless Punishment a/c.” Remittances in the form of foreign stamps
and other rubbish will not be accepted.
When you are unprotected against punishment, the best
way to endure it without flinching is to count sheep going through a hedge. But
if you are wise, you will come and consult the Painless Punishment expert
without delay.
....
The yells which followed were of an
ear-splitting nature. So penetrating were they that they reached the ears of
Mr. Prout in the Fifth Form-room, and my colleague came rushing in, under the
impression I was committing murder. When I explained that Skinner was merely
getting his just deserts Mr. Prout understood.
– Mr.
Quelch, the Form-master of the Remove responds with outrage
to the previous article in The Greyfriars Herald, 2 April 1921 (available
to download here.)
THE
NECESSITY OF PUNISHMENT
By
Horace H. Quelch, M. A.
Quite by accident a recent issue of the Greyfriars
Herald came into my hands. On perusing it I was amazed and indignant to
discover an article by Harold Skinner, entitled “Punishment Made Easy.”
I frankly confess that I was appalled by Skinner’s
statements. I had no idea that such an organisation as the Painless Punishment
Society was in existence. It staggered me to know that the members of this
precocious society were in the habit of rubbing resin into the palms of their
hands and of “barricading their bags,” as Skinner very vulgarly expressed it.
Neither did I know that lines were being rolled off by
the hundred by a patent duplicating process.
Skinner’s disclosures overwhelmed me, and I thought at
first that he must be joking or exaggerating.
However, I made up my mind to investigate this matter,
and I discovered, to my horror, that Skinner’s statements were true. I kept an
eye on the wretched boy during lessons, and distinctly saw him rubbing a
resinous substance into the palms of his hands.
“Skinner!” I roared. “Stand out before the class!”
White to the lips, Skinner shuffled out from his seat.
“I have caught you in the very act!” I thundered. “You
were in anticipation of being caned, so you endeavoured to fortify yourself
against the ordeal by smearing your hands with resin!”
“Nunno, sir! I – I ____”
“Do not lie to me, Skinner! I have reason to know that
you are the president of a society which guarantees painless punishment.
“Oh, crumbs!”
“I can assure you that the punishment I am about to
administer will be anything but painless. Touch your toes!”
Skinner obeyed with suspicious alacrity.
My cane sang through the air, and descended on the
wretched boy’s anatomy with a dull thud.
“Aha!” I
exclaimed. “I can clearly see what has happened. You have ‘barricaded your
bags,’ as you call it. I will trouble you to remove the obstruction.”
Skinner then produced a couple of exercise books,
which had been concealed beneath his clothing.
“I have often wondered how you have contrived to
endure the severest punishment without a murmur, Skinner,” I said. “Touch your
toes once more and I will elicit a few murmurs now.”
Swish! Swish! Swish!
The yells which followed were of an ear-splitting
nature. So penetrating were they that they reached the ears of Mr. Prout in the
Fifth Form-room, and my colleague came rushing in, under the impression I was
committing murder. When I explained that Skinner was merely getting his just
deserts Mr. Prout understood.
I warned Skinner that the Painless Punishment Society
must cease to exist from that date; and then I gave my pupils a lecture on the
necessity of punishment. I pointed out to them that the school would get into a
terrible state if the floggings and impositions were abandoned.
Picture credits: British-Discipline –
unknown – The Magnet
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