Tubby Muffin’s caning

Richard Dalton master of the Fourth Form at Rookwood School is in his study marking Latin papers when there is a knock at the door. Reginald “Tubby” Muffin opens the door and looks in and then vanishes without even mumbling a word.

Surprised, annoyed, and puzzled, Richard Dalton recommenced marking papers. But he ceased to mark papers, and lifted his head, with a grim expression on his face, ten minutes later. There was a sound of footsteps in the passage outside, cautiously approaching the study door.

Mr. Dalton picked up the brass lizard that served him as a paper-weight, and laid it on the heap of papers. Then he picked up a cane and rose to his feet.

It was Tubby Muffin coming back to the study again. Dalton was ready for him this time!

Tap!

“Come in!” rapped out Richard Dalton.

The door did not open. There was a sound of hurriedly retreating feet in the passage. Whoever had tapped at the door had promptly departed on hearing the Form Master’s voice.

“Upon my word!” exclaimed Mr. Dalton.

He strode to the door, threw it open, and stared out into the passage. He was just in time to catch a glimpse of a fat figure vanishing round the corner in the distance.

“Muffin!”

If Muffin heard, he heeded not. He faded out of the picture, and Richard Dalton was left staring at an empty passage.

“Upon my word!” Mr. Dalton said again. He closed the door, returned to his table and resumed marking papers. But he kept his cane quite handy. Whatever might be Reginald Muffin’s mysterious motive for his mysterious proceedings it was probable that he was not finished yet. If he came again Mr. Dalton intended to have the matter out. There was going to be a heart-to-heart talk with Reginald Muffin – a little scene featuring the cane.

Twenty minutes elapsed, and by that time Mr. Dalton, busy with his work, had almost forgotten about Muffin. He was reminded of him when the tap came softly at his study door.

Mr. Dalton’s lips opened – and closed again. If he had called out “Come in!” he had no doubt that rapidly receding footsteps would have been the sequel. For some unimaginable reason it appeared that the fatuous Muffin desired to entre the study when his Form Master was not there. He was making visit after visit to ascertain whether Mr. Dalton was gone. But for that heap of papers to be marked, Mr. Dalton would have been gone long since; and Muffin’s object, whatever it was, would have been achieved. As it happened, Mr. Dalton was not gone; he was there, and he was wrathy. He did not call out to the tapper to come in. He placed the brass lizard again on the heap of papers, picked up the cane, and stepped quietly towards the door. He stood so that the door would screen him when it opened. And he waited.

A second tap was given at the door to make sure. Dalton stood still. The door handle turned, and the door opened. A fat face was inserted into the study. Reginald Muffin blinked eagerly across the master’s writing table. The chair there was vacant.

“Oh good!” gasped Tubby under his breath.

He whipped into the study and across to the table. His fat hand dropped to the brass lizard that lay on the heap of papers.

With that object in his podgy grasp Muffin spun round and whipped back to the door – and gave a sudden gasping howl of surprise and dismay as he almost ran into Richard Dalton.

“Muffin!” said Mr. Dalton, in a deep voice.

“Oh, crikey!” gasped Muffin.

His eyes almost bulged from his head as he blinked at his Form Master. The ghost of Richard Dalton could hardly have startled him more.

“What are you doing here, Muffin!” inquired Mr. Dalton grimly.

“Oh nothing, sir! I – I thought you were gone!” gasped Muffin. “I – I mean I – I wasn’t – that is, sir, I – I didn’t –”

“You have come repeatedly to this study since classes, Muffin, and apparently your object was to enter the room in my absence,” said Mr. Dalton sternly.

“Oh no, sir!” gasped Muffin. “I – I wanted to – to see you sir.”

“For what reason, Muffin?”

“Because – because – because you’re so nice, sir!”

“Wha-a-a-t?”

“I – I – I mean –” stuttered the wretched Tubby – “I mean – that is – I – didn’t come here to bag this brass lizard, sir.”

“I gather from your actions, Muffin, that you have come to my study surreptitiously to remove my paper-weight,” said Mr. Dalton. “It is what you would call a rag, I suppose. Such a childish trick.”

“The – fact – is – sir –”

“Such an absurd, infantile trick, Muffin, I should have thought beneath even your intelligence!” exclaimed Mr. Dalton. “You are a stupid boy, Muffin, but such stupidity as this is really extraordinary. Put that paper-weight back on the table!”

“Oh dear!” groaned Muffin.

He replaced the brass lizard on the heap of Latin papers. His fat fingers lingered over it as if unwilling to relinquish it. The brass lizard seemed to possess some sort of fascination for Tubby Muffin. But he had to let go.

“Now Muffin –” began Mr. Dalton, swishing the cane.

“I – I say, sir, c-c-can I go now!?” gasped Tubby. “Jimmy Silver wants me at the cricket, sir. I – I’m going to give him some tips about batting –”

“Silence! Muffin, you have come to my study to abstract that brass lizard paper-weight. I cannot think that you are a dishonest boy. I conclude that you meant to play a childish trick on your Form Master. Yes.” Mr. Dalton paused, searching Muffin with his eyes, “Last night Muffin, you were out of your dormitory. You came down. As it happened a burglar entered by my window and you gave the alarm. You explained to me that you had heard a noise, and came down. I was not satisfied with your explanation. I suspect now that you came down to my study last night to play the same trick that has brought you here now.”

“Oh, sir,” gasped Tubby, “I – I – I –”

“Muffin, am I to believe that you intended to purloin that brass paper-weight, which is of some little value?”

“Oh dear! Oh, no sir! I – I – I was just – just only – you see – that is – I didn’t – I wasn’t. Oh crikey!”

“I will give you the benefit of the doubt, Muffin,” said Mr. Dalton sternly. “I shall punish you as a foolish trickster, but I warn you, Muffin, to be careful – very careful. Now bend over that chair!”

“Oh lor!” groaned Reginald Muffin dispiritedly.

He groaned in anticipation as he bent over the chair. His anticipations were more than realised. The cane came down on Muffin’s tight trousers with a terrific swipe.

“Oh!” roared Muffin. “Ooooooooh!”

Whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack!

It was “six” and every stroke told. The yells of the hapless Muffin rang far and wide. Richard Dalton generally had a light hand with the cane. But he could wield a heavy hand when he considered that it was required, and he considered that it was requited now. The cane fairly rang on Cecil Adolphus Reginald Muffin.

“Yow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!” roared Tubby.

Mr. Dalton laid down the cane.

“You may go now, Muffin!” he said. “But if there is any repetition of this –” He left the rest to Tubby’s imagination and pointed to the door.

Muffin crawled out of the study. He went down the passage like a contortionist. Life, just then, seemed hardly worth living to the fattest and most fatuous fellow of Rookwood.

 

Extracted from Limelight Lovell, by Owen Conquest – a.k.a. Frank Richards – The Gem, 16 May 1931 (available online here).

 

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